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Why do I feel I should have a disclaimer here before I even begin this post?
I want to stress that I’m NOT a baby, toddler, or child hater. I like kids, but I don’t love them.
Let me start off by saying I just entered the 30s zone last year. The months leading up to my birthday I started to constantly analyze my life. Where am I going? What am I doing? What have I done with my life so far? I felt so behind compared to people who were already successful in their careers, married, had a house and the kids. And so on. I’ve been told I still have time. I’m still young. I wouldn’t call myself young anymore. Maybe more “young-ish”.
But do you? Do you really have time left?
With regards to children, especially if you are a female in your 30s, it may not seem that way. My mom had me in her early 30s and had my sister in her late 30s and we both turned out fine. At least I did. 😉 But the HUGE difference between my mom and I is that: She WANTED to have children and was sure about it.
As of right now, right this very moment, I do not want children. Some of the big reasons are that I’m still in the early stages of my career, I just bought a house and I LOVE being independent, having fun and doing whatever I want without anything slowing me down. I appreciate having what little sleep I get, having my “me” time, and going on vacations that are not Disney World or Great Wolf Lodge (Family friendly water park/hotel in Niagara Falls, ON, Canada). I am not ready to take on a dramatic life changing/bank account changing experience. Colleagues at work told me they could picture me as a mother and one even thought I would make a great mother. I thought about it and was dumbfounded. REALLY?!?! ME?!??!
Another reason why I do not want kids is that I do not think I would make a great parent. I see mothers talking the baby talk and other women talking the baby talk. They just know how to hold them. If I was to hold a baby right now, I would be freaked out about supporting the head and would immediately give it back to the mother. I don’t feel that maternal instinct. I don’t feel the need to nurture. Now I will hang my head in shame. I would be so busy with everything on the go, I wouldn’t be able to give my kid or kids enough quality time. I don’t want to do a priority shift.
A few people I know have pets and they treat them as their children. I used to have this strong desire to want to have a cat. When I lived in an apartment I kept on telling the bf, we’ll get a cat when we get a house. I looked at profiles of cats and kittens in the animal shelter and just wanted to adopt all of them. I don’t know what happened, but now I feel so busy with my life, I wouldn’t even want to make time to care for a pet! (Still hanging my head in shame).
So you get why I don’t want kids. Now that my parents are retired and considered seniors, it got me thinking. While they are still healthy and having the time of their life going out and hanging out with friends, there will come a time when they won’t be as healthy. They will need to be looked after by myself, a caregiver or even a retirement home. If one passes before the other, one will be lonely and need company, which of course I would be more than happy to spend more time with them.
I only want kids to have someone to take care of me and to have some company when I’m older.
There you go. I want to skip all the raising and providing for them and want them to be grown up instantly and self-sufficient. I want to be able to go to their houses during the holidays. I would even consider signing up for the “adopt a grandparent” program if I never ended up having kids.
Some people automatically think that having kids is the next step. That you’re supposed to. Although I wanted what a lot of other people had, kids were never really part of that big picture.
Before you scream: MONSTER and start waving your flaming pitchforks and getting ready to hunt me down, for those of you who have kids or want kids, what made/makes you want them? What was the turning point?
We don’t have any kids yet either and are in our 30’s. We figure if it happens it happens but we won’t be upset if it doesn’t. I also think that the nurturing,mommy part will come after you have a child. It’s something that happens when you have your own child. That’s what we’ve been told. Don’t worry it’s different when it’s your own kids they say. Ah well, we will see what life brings us. Keep smiling!
I think I need to have the same mindset. If it is meant to be, its meant to be. 🙂
No one would think you are a monster for telling the truth. In fact, I applaud you for putting it out there, and it’s much better to be honest with yourself than do something because you feel pressured and have a baby you don’t want. The child would be able to tell.
With that being said, I feel the reasons you listed only really scratch the surface of why you don’t want to have kids. There are all kinds of mothers, not just stay at home moms, or ones that coo at their kids all day. You can be a strong, savvy, work-minded mom. There is no “right” way.
Yes, you love your independence (who doesn’t?). I love mine, and I don’t have kids, but I thought a dog would be too much to handle, and had a near meltdown about it. (I’m writing a post about it for Weds!) Taking on the commitment of being responsible for a pup has been one of the best things to ever happen to me..and my life has expanded to fit my dog into it. The same would probably happen for a baby.
But maybe you should try a pet first 🙂
Thanks for the great comment, Lauren! I most likely would end up being the strong career oriented mom who drove her kids to soccer and piano lessons.
Maybe I should even try just borrowing someone’s pet for a week or weekend and see where that goes. Haha.
Congrats on the honesty. My wife and I just had a baby 3 months ago. My wife wasn’t sure if she would be a good mother because she always felt weird holding a baby, but that changed quickly after having our own. I will say that having one just to provide you with company when you are older is a little strange, but that is your reason. Having a child is a big step and should be thought about carefully.
We had a baby because we wanted to raise a contributing member of society and bring up someone that can still keep some traditions alive like respect.
Congrats to you both. Many people have told me, my parents included, that it is different when it is your own child. It’s funny because my dad wasn’t sure he wanted kids, but he ended up being a dad who spoiled his daughters and would do anything for them. I’m just not sure I would be the same way. He even told me that my life would be very lonely if I didn’t have kids. I wonder if he’s trying to hint about grandchildren….
I understand your position 100%. I always say that the best reward for raising a kid who turns out well is that you get to be friends with your kids when you are both adults. I see all the things that my parents do for their parents (not even financial help, but logistical/medical/emotional) and it reminds me that when you are old, well, it’s IMPORTANT to have a family member who loves you and cares for you and will advocate for you.
But there is also no guarantee that your child will turn out to be able or willing to do that. Your child could be disabled, or die, or just for whatever reason want to have nothing to do with you. That seems like an awful outcome, but it’s not impossible.
I’m trying to reconcile my thoughts on this matter as well. If I do have children, it’ll have to be in the next 5ish years. Which, while not tomorrow, is not that far away.
In your second paragraph, you pretty much said everything I was too afraid to say in my post. What scares me is that if I do decide to have children at a later age, because I will be in my later 30s, there is a higher risk that my child may not be as healthy. I’m not even sure if I could handle it, but I guess once you have the child, you learn to handle the situation.
Well said. I thought I would feel the same way about kids when my nephew was born. Seeing him interact with his parents and grandparents is so cute and gives me warm, fuzzy feelings inside, but it doesn’t make me want to have kids.
That’s tough when you’re on the fence like that (and leaning towards the side of not having them). I never did want them, but sadly I think this affects my dating life because most guys I’ve seen do want them. It’s what partly ended my five year relationship. In the beginning he didn’t want them then right at the end he said he did. 🙁 I can’t change things, and now I’m 42 so biologically it may not be possible anyway. I keep kind of hoping I’ll meet a guy who already has them and is done. I wouldn’t mind being a step parent oddly enough.
As a guy, I have to say I have thought long and hard about this. I don’t have any kids yet, but my fiance and I are planning on having our first in a year or so.
After a lot of thinking, I’ve always been of the opinion that the only really good reason to have kids is this: So that they can experience the joy of being alive.
Because when I’m feeling true joy, meaning, fulfillment, pleasure, or the happiness of friendship and love, my soul screams out, THANK YOU mom’n’dad! Thank you for having me, for giving me the gift of life! For allowing me to experience all these amazing things.
And I can’t wait to give my children the same gift, so they can experience the same joys.
Of course, there are risks. We live in a broken world full of pain and misery. I myself have definitely experienced my own share of physical and emotional pain, heartbreak, loneliness, depression and despair. But those moments of joy, of companionship, love, and friendship that makes me glad to have been born.
And, in my view, that’s the best reason to have a kid. To bestow that gift of joy on them.
Just my two cents! 🙂
Thanks for stopping by and sharing your two cents. I’m glad you thought long and hard about this. No doubt you and your fiance will be great parents. I do have a nephew though, with another nephew or niece on the way. I enjoy being an aunt and personally wouldn’t want it any other way.