If you don’t believe me on this one, then you must be able to make friends easily and everywhere you go.
Just like dating, making friends is harder to do as you get older. I also find it’s harder to keep the ones you already have. People get married, move away and have kids. We’re not on the same page anymore. Or the same schedule. All of a sudden, last-minute get togethers become scarce and you have to plan weeks or even months in advance when you can all meet.
Quality vs. Quantity
Unfortunately along the way, and this probably happens to everyone at least one point in your life, your circle either gets smaller or people within the circle get swapped for others. As of right now, I don’t have one specific circle of friends who I grew up with or went to school with. I have different groups of friends from different parts of my life. Collectively, this group isn’t very big. While in high school, somewhat superficial me, initially thought quantity of friends preceded the quality, I eventually came to my senses in my later high school years to realize it was the other way around. In my twenties, the quality became even more apparent as I slowly began to lose touch with most of my high school friends. Let me make one thing clear though. It wasn’t that my high school friends were of great quality, it was more that they were of a DIFFERENT quality. The more I thought about it, the more I realized we had little in common, except that some of us grew up together, knew the same people and happened to have several classes together.
My Half-Ass Attempts to Make New Friends in University
It really wasn’t until university that I met people I could better relate to and had more in common with. These are the friends, along with a couple of childhood friends are the ones who I can still have a decent conversation with, no matter how much time has passed. I have on several occasions tried to rekindle the friendship with a few from my past, only to find it wasn’t the same as before. The conversations didn’t seem to flow like they used to. Like any relationship, friendship is a two-way street, or at least it should be. At times, it can seem like a one way or it can eventually reach a dead-end.
I am a shy and socially awkward person who doesn’t make friends easily. Unless I click with them right away, it can sometimes take forever to feel comfortable around them. I am that person who refuses to go to a party alone, where I only know the hostess. The random person seated at the table with all the other random people.
The one great thing about university is that you can wipe the slate clean and are given a chance to reinvent yourself. I figured university would be my golden ticket to invent a more sociable version of myself. I had joined social groups at several points in my university career with hopes of being able to make friends outside of my program and first year residence. I failed. Horribly. It seemed everyone knew someone, if not everyone at each of these things. When everyone knows everyone and you know no one, well, it’s a socially awkward person’s worse nightmare come true. I didn’t know if I should join in a conversation, how to start a conversation or wait for someone to come to me. Needless to say, my commitment to these social groups was very short-term.
A Friendship Needs Sparks
Just because I am socially awkward and seem to get slight panic attacks in social situations, doesn’t mean I don’t want to make new friends.
Even if I wanted to, how would I go about doing that as an adult? I know there are social meet ups and alumni events, but even at those events, I feel I would need a wing man/woman by my side. They have speed dating. Why don’t they have speed friend making?
Let’s say you have a random conversation with someone at the gym or bookstore. These random conversations lead up to more frequent and even interesting conversations. You start to think to yourself; hey this person is very cool. I could totally see myself hanging out with him/her. You ask them to go for coffee and start hanging out with them more. First it’s only one on one. Then you start introducing them to your friends. You call this person your friend. This person then becomes friends with your friends as well. This is when it all works out.
However, what if it doesn’t work out? What if you realize in the”getting to know each other/seeing if you could be friends” phase becomes awkward for one? How do you break it off? Do you make excuses every time they call/msg you or don’t bother responding at all? Would you have the guts to meet them in person to break it off? Breaking up with someone you are dating is hard enough, but I think breaking up with someone you are friends with or thought you could be friends with is even harder. What exactly do you say? I don’t think there is a spark between us, so we should just stop being friends???! Just like sparks in a relationship, there also has to be sparks in a friendship.
Call me crazy or over analytical, but these are the thoughts I have when I think about making new friends. 😛
Do you feel the same way I feel when making new friends? Or does it come naturally to you?
What is the definition of a friend? I think I made a few friends in university, but we only get together once or twice a year (if we live in the same city), and occasionally talk on Facebook or Twitter. Or is that more of an acquaintance? Coworkers have only ever become Twitter/Facebook friends at best.
That said, now I think about it, all except my very best friends kind of fall in the category I describe above where we don’t actually communicate all that often. Most of my high school friends also fall in that category – it’s just that our shared history means i have a really deep affection for them.
I can’t say there is one and only one true definition for a friend, it would vary from person to person. What I consider to be a friend, you may only consider to be an acquaintance. I don’t have any friends living in the same town as me, but the ones who are in the next city, about 15 min away, I rarely see, due to our different schedules.
I agree with eemusings – what’s the definition of a “friend”?
I make friends easily and even at work (I kind of have to, I’m a consultant), but keeping them for the long-term by talking to them and connecting once in a while is another story.
I think the idea of “long term” and “connection” falls into the definition of a friend, especially the connection part. If you don’t have that connection, then I guess you would consider the person more of an acquaintance.
This is one area of my life where it’s come rather easily! Thankfully! Something had to! I have groups of friends from various aspects of life, mostly starting with college (my friendship ability didn’t start until after high school where I was pretty much a wallflower) and through various jobs I’ve had in different cities and through social media like Facebook, we are still friends. I look for activities like beach volleyball and friendships just kind of occur naturally through those situations. I wish I could say the same thing about my dating life! Not that’s an entirely different story!
I’m so jealous! Making friends is one thing I have constantly struggled with throughout my entire life.
At least with dating you can say ‘Let’s just be friends’ if you want to break up, not so in this case 🙂
Haha, good point! 🙂
You’ve already read my post about how hard it is to make friends for me. I agree with you and I know what you’re saying . I do want to break out of my shell and make friends easily, but it doesn’t come naturally and when the attempt fails, I feel even more awkward and sometimes hurt.
I feel the exact same way when the attempt fails. It can be quite frustrating. My partner says I shouldn’t be so hard on myself, but I can’t help it.
I’m so grateful I grew up in a cultural community that gave me lifelong friends and I work in an industry (theatre) where it’s impossible not to make friends with your coworkers because you spend every moment working extremely closely with one another.
I can’t imagine not being able to make friends in theatre due to the high social environment during and after work. 🙂
It’s hard for me to make friends, too – most of mine are from college, though I also have some from the gym, running routes, and work. I think it becomes easier for me to make small talk with someone you see on a frequent basis, rather than striking up a conversation with a stranger at the grocery line. Usually when I ‘break up’ with a friend it’s because we don’t have anything in common anymore – it’s more of a drifting away from each other than an outright ‘break.’
It definitely makes sense that you would become more comfortable striking up conversations with someone you see on a regular basis.
I can’t say I’ve actually broken up with friends who I’ve known for awhile either. It’s sad though when you drift apart, but that’s what happens sometimes as you get older.
When I was in college I became friends with a girl who I later discovered I had nothing in common with. We grew apart which was fine with me. I have a few really good friends from high school and college, other than that I’ve become friends with a few co-workers, but I think it’s harder as you get older.
For some odd reason, I only seem to stay friends with my co-workers if I’m still working at the actual job. I don’t even talk to the people who I was friends with in my past jobs. The friends I’ve made now in my current job, I can see myself keeping in touch with them even if I was to leave that particular workplace.
I really need to get out and make some new friends. I haven’t had one of the those outside of for at least 5 years.