Editor’s note: The following post is rather long and not that organized in terms of though. It is merely a collection of the thoughts that constantly swirl around in my head.
Even though this blog has been around for a few years, my job was something I never really discussed. I always preferred to keep it separate, but now I think I’ve reached a point where I need some insight/advice/inspirational quote to help keep me going.
C is for Confused
What happened.
I have no idea. Time happened. Life happened.
For the past year and a bit I have been feeling rather stuck in my job. I have been at my current job for over four years.
And I hate it. I know hate is such a strong word to use. I used to tolerate it and not really mind it, but I don’t think I ever liked it or loved it. I find it rather mind numbing. I’m not going to give you much of a job description because it’s not a common job or a normal job. The truth is, I only took it because I needed a job and figured the position would be a good foot in the door.
That door feels like a revolving door
I do not think my colleagues actually like what we do, but I think for the most part they don’t mind. The pay is steady, somewhat decent, opportunity to work overtime, has benefits and it’s a good group. Many of them are close to retirement and have been working there a good portion of their adult lives. I’m bored , no, beyond bored and I’m not sure where I want to go or what I want to do with my life. I never knew what I wanted to do in high school or in university or even now. Even when I switched programs, I wasn’t even sure about the program I switched into. I felt I had to finish it because it would be really expensive at that point to switch a third time.
Part of me thinks that because I’m already in my early 30s, I should have been struggling with this in my 20s and have most of it figured out by now. At least have some sort of path carved out, meaning if I’m not where I want to be right now, I’m at least progressing toward it.
C is for (Somewhat) Complicated
Since graduating university, I have gone through quite a few jobs. Some professional, some not that professional. There have been several occasions where I have quit without having anything lined up. I really don’t want to go through that again this time with a mortgage and a wedding coming up (which is not a crazy $30k wedding, more like under 20k, still a lot I know, but well below the average).
Scared, terrified me is afraid I won’t find another job. Or I will get stuck in another one I hate and want to quit again, thus continuing the pattern.
I actually applied for grad school last year for admission this year. I’m not sure I want to go that route anymore. Argh. I just wasted ~ $230 in application fees.
I know almost everyone goes through it and we are constantly trying to chase that dream job. To be honest, I never knew what it meant to actually like, I mean really like a job, til I became a fitness class instructor. I look forward to teaching my classes. It is one of my few saving graces. Of course, this blog is another one of them.
I try to stay positive and think all my networking with different people within the organization, and joining committees will change something. I’ve been told something will happen, but it’s only a matter of when.
I can only be so positive and patient for that long. Even then, will this next potential job make me happy? Maybe only for a short period of time. What if I get bored with it and need something else?
The days are long and dragging. As soon as I arrive, I look at the clock and wish it was time to go home. The only day where I somewhat feel better is on Friday because I know I won’t have to be at work for two whole days. I am salivating at the idea of change right now. Trying to grasp at something that doesn’t seem within my reach.
Some people could tell me it’s just a job and that I shouldn’t let it get to me. I know I have other things going well in my life and I know I shouldn’t let a job define me, but I can’t help it. When you see other people who are happy/satisfied doing what they do and they have been able to create opportunities for themselves, it freaks me out and makes me jealous.
I think to myself, what am I doing wrong? I may be complaining, but at least I’m trying at the same time.
I’m having a hard time keeping a smile at work and people have started to notice. It’s hard to fake it when you’re miserable inside. A few people at work know about my situation, but all they can offer is sympathy. Sympathy is nice and I appreciate it, but it won’t help me find what I’m looking for.
I think:
- OH SH*T
- I have wasted so much time over the past four years!!!
- I’ve barely learned anything or developed any new skills.
- My experience doesn’t seem like it’s transferable to another related job.
- OH SH*T again
I DON’T KNOW.
All I know is that I would like a job that is satisfying. That challenges me. That doesn’t restrict me. By the way, Michelle from the Shop My Closet Project wrote a great post called the Myth of Job Satisfaction : Are We Over Thinking Work?
I’m tired of feeling any one or all of the following at any given point in time:
- frustrated
- terrified
- angry
- depressed
- disappointed
- anxious
I’m tired of crying several times a week after work. I almost feel like crying as I write this post because it is hard at first, but then it all comes rushing down like a waterfall.
C is for Coding?!?!
I just want something to work. I just want to do something I like or sort of like.
Like what?
Coding.
Yes, I find it interesting. I have been dabbling in Codecademy to teach myself HTML and CSS. I am actually taking a 6 week part-time course to learn more about those two languages and a few other coding languages.
C is for CRAZY
Am I crazy for wanting a career change when I’m not even sure I’ll be able to find a job or even if I’ll be decent at it? The company I am taking the course with offers an intensive 8 week web development boot camp which is designed to turn you into a developer, but that would be two months off of work. Two months of NOT working . Two months of a lot of computer staring (12 hr days, mon-fri). This boot camp costs several thousands of dollars. Not as expensive as a post-secondary education, but expensive enough. I would have to take a leave of absence from my current job in order to do so.
Yes, I would be losing the potential to make money and would have to spend money. However, since training to become a fitness instructor, this may be the only other thing I’ve ever wanted to get formal training for thus far.
Want. What do I want to do ?
If I had more time, aside from blogging, I would want to spend more time coding (I think).
C is for Continue
So I will keep on going to work and making money. I will also continue with this course and hope I get something out of it. I will ask them more about the boot camp and a career as a developer, which I would never even thought possible.
How ironic is that my university sweetheart was a computer science major and I never understood his fascination with coding at the time?
I do now. And I’m sorry for ever thinking it was lame to spend hours compiling code.
Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net/Paul
C is for Cookie
I could use one right about now.
Let’s go back to our childhood when we didn’t have to worry about our careers and only cookies with this way back playback from Sesame street.
Allow me to ask some vague questions: ignoring job description and the specifics of what you might do, what do you enjoy about your job or past jobs? For instance, forget about coding websites for now, what more generally do you like? Working on a computer? Working with a team? Solving problems? Following defined procedures? Tackling new things all the time while possibly feeling in over your head, or mastering something and being the guru?
What are you working for? Does your job/career define you, or is it a means to an end? Sometimes reframing what it is can help a lot: for instance, if you want to launch some new self-employed freelance thing because you hate having to rely on stupid teams, then your current job is just your safety net and steady paycheque to launch that dream. Then you just have to work hard enough to not get fired while daydreaming about your new opportunities. Or it may be you and your awesome team of awesome co-workers in a combined struggle against the bureaucratic machine, where you focus on the social aspects of showing up to work and drinking coffee, and doing whatever it is you do and getting a paycheque is incidental.
As I mentioned in my post, I never really enjoyed any of my jobs too much, they were more foot in the door type jobs that I would hope would lead to other things. I liked perks about my job, rather than the job itself such as food during client meetings. Silly, I know. What I like about my fitness job is motivating people and seeing progress they’ve made. I like challenging myself physically. I briefly went through a phase as a physical trainer, but realized I couldn’t do the selling part to save my life.
So this is what I like(or at least I think I do?): I prefer to work by myself but I am open to working with a team. I do like solving problems. I do prefer to follow step by step procedures. I like trying lots of different things, which explains me having so many different interests- baking, fitness, investing, blogging and now coding.
I have thought here and there about freelancing because I hear about other people doing it, but I’m not so sure I want to become a freelance writer and focus solely on my blog. It is quite the social atmosphere and due to our extremely early start, we are quite dependent on coffee. I think the last sentence describes more the people I work with rather than myself. I am ambitious but not in an ambitious environment. If I had a great career, I would let it define me. I don’t right now, but I still feel like it defines me from time to time.
Not sure if my vague responses answered your vague questions…lol
Karen…. This all sounds very familiar to me. I’ve never really liked any of the jobs I’ve had, they were always just a paycheck to me. But I think you know that from how I’ve basically always written about jobs just being jobs and me just being there to fill a spot.
I’ve never understood people that loved their jobs either…. Or found some sort of passion in it. I just thought I was always wired differently somehow. I don’t know if there is some magical answer to how to solve your dilemma, I wish there was.
There are occasionally certain things about coding that are enjoyable. Sometimes they are like puzzles and things come together and it’s rewarding like…. finishing a puzzle. But other times it’s hours of frustration over a semicolon or some case sensitive word. While the work is…. well, it’s work. You don’t typically deal with customers or anything like that but you typically deal with being overworked. At first the workload if fine, but it slowly builds and builds. People start expecting you to juggle more things than you are officially assigned to and it gets overwhelming. But on the bright side is that it typically pays well. In the end if I’m going to not be happy doing something I might as well not be happy being paid more.
But back to your dilemma. For me, the only thing that makes work more enjoyable is the work environment. If I have coworkers that I generally like, I am happier. Right now I have 1 good friend at work, and a bunch of people that I am friendly with but not really “friends” with. This is enough for me where I am, at least for now. My last job I didn’t have any friends and I wasn’t really friendly with other people, we just shared an office together. It was basically hell and I spent three years there because I was too scared to jump to something else. The only good thing that came about from that job was that it got me into personal finance so I could get the hell out of there.
Here is my suggestion, though it might be hard, maybe not possible currently, or maybe a slow long term change: find one thing that will improve your work life and shoot for it. For me, it was leaving that toxic office. For you it sounds like you want a challenge, so your classes are a good start. Once you’re done with those classes then find something else to work on, perhaps another class or maybe trying to find some way to apply it to your job. I know that your job probably has nothing to do with coding but sometimes companies are flexible. Maybe at some point you will have to find a new job where you can possibly integrate some of the coding your working on. These aren’t all small changes and most are pretty freaking scary, but I’ve recently started making decisions based on what “myself from 10 years in the future” would tell me to do. Most of the time my future self tells me I’m an idiot if I do nothing.
I really do hope that your situation gets better though.
Thanks for the kind words Zee. I know that pretty much whatever job you have, even if you do love it, there is still some work and stress to a certain extent. However I think if you love/are satisfied with your job enough that the work and stress makes it worth it. Since I spend so much time at work, I would want a job that I am satisfied with and pays well. Unfortunately my current job offers none of that. I feel I am working an insane amount of hours just to get somewhat decent pay.
Coding is already frustrating me. I guess it doesn’t help too much that I get frustrated quite easily as well. It really is like learning a new language that seems somewhat difficult to learn at first such as Chinese or Russian. I took French classes in grade school and high school, so when I took Spanish in university, it was an easy A for me, I did the bare minimum and still got a good grade. It helped that the two languages are quite similar to each other.
At this point, I am not ready to fully immerse myself in coding or commit to it financially. I do not think there are any jobs in the organization, unless it’s in the IT department, where coding can be integrated. However I think I will still try to take more courses online and/or in-class and talk to more people who are in the field. In retrospect, it’s probably what I should have done when I was in high school, when I was trying to figure out what program to apply to. No wonder so many people switch majors in university/college and even switch careers later on in life.
Things are never what you expect them to be until you actually experience them.
Karen,
First of all, sorry to hear you’re experiencing frustration with your current job. It’s difficult dealing with a situation you aren’t sure will lead somewhere.
As for coding, try it out part time. Get a base underneath you before quitting the dayjob and jumping in full time with the boot camp you’re talking about; that’s my take on it, at least.
For an example from my life this month: I set a goal at the start of the month to see if I could hit +$1,000 freelancing this month (March) and have surpassed the goal considerably. With that said, I had to write nearly every day in my spare time (after or before work). You can check out the articles on “Seeking Alpha”. I started what I called “The Philosopher Series” where I took a group of philosophers from the past and just hypothesized what they might invest in if they were around today. It was a lot of fun and financially rewarding.
Why don’t you try setting a hard goal with writing for April and then working to achieve it? Maybe just $100 freelancing for a new site or something like that (the reason I’m talking monetary goals is just because it’s easy to track – you could just as easily set any other type of goal). Just something to remotivate you. Remember: our goal as writers is to be creative and reinvent the wheel. If you get your mind to it, I’m confident you’ll find a way to get the steam back in your engine.
You write well, you have a great site, and things will get better. Keep your head up.
– Ryan from GRB
As always Ryan, thank you for your kind and insightful comments. Not only does it boost my ego (haha) but also my self-esteem, because nowadays I could really use it.
Aside from the current course I’m taking and Codecademy, I do not have a solid base yet. I’m hoping by the end of the year, I will feel a bit more confident with coding. I probably won’t take another course though until the fall.
The hard writing goal does sounds like a good idea. However, the coding course still runs till the end of April and is taking up the rest of my free time. I think I also need to get back into some wedding planning lol. Perhaps in May, I will shoot for that.
I love stream of consciousness posts! Also, thanks for including my post 🙂 You will figure out what will work for you, just give yourself some time. And thanks for the code academy information-I’ve added this course to my list of things to do.
I really enjoyed the Codecademy lessons and think they do a fantastic job of explaining the concepts.
Make sure you get deep enough into coding to work out if you could actually do this all day every day. I don’t mind dabbling in it occasionally but I have no desire to learn to debug code or write it from scratch personally. Making small tweaks to my CSS is painful enough. (I figured this out while doing the Javascript portion of Codecademy – it was cool working on code that *does* stuff, but it’s not for me.)
I know it’ll definitely be awhile before I make a complete jump to enroll in one of those bootcamps. People say to prep yourself for it as much as possible. Even though I don’t completely understand the concepts fully or get them right away, I like what I ‘m learning so far and will most likely continue to learn on my own in the meantime when the course is finished. I have signed up for an HTML/CSS workshop. I’m surprised though. I thought it would be a language I enjoy learning, but I think I prefer more of the object oriented programming languages vs the front end web design ones.