Editor’s note: The following post is rather long and not that organized in terms of though. It is merely a collection of the thoughts that constantly swirl around in my head.
Even though this blog has been around for a few years, my job was something I never really discussed. I always preferred to keep it separate, but now I think I’ve reached a point where I need some insight/advice/inspirational quote to help keep me going.
C is for Confused
I have no idea. Time happened. Life happened.
For the past year and a bit I have been feeling rather stuck in my job. I have been at my current job for over four years.
And I hate it. I know hate is such a strong word to use. I used to tolerate it and not really mind it, but I don’t think I ever liked it or loved it. I find it rather mind numbing. I’m not going to give you much of a job description because it’s not a common job or a normal job. The truth is, I only took it because I needed a job and figured the position would be a good foot in the door.
That door feels like a revolving door
I do not think my colleagues actually like what we do, but I think for the most part they don’t mind. The pay is steady, somewhat decent, opportunity to work overtime, has benefits and it’s a good group. Many of them are close to retirement and have been working there a good portion of their adult lives. I’m bored , no, beyond bored and I’m not sure where I want to go or what I want to do with my life. I never knew what I wanted to do in high school or in university or even now. Even when I switched programs, I wasn’t even sure about the program I switched into. I felt I had to finish it because it would be really expensive at that point to switch a third time.
Part of me thinks that because I’m already in my early 30s, I should have been struggling with this in my 20s and have most of it figured out by now. At least have some sort of path carved out, meaning if I’m not where I want to be right now, I’m at least progressing toward it.
C is for (Somewhat) Complicated
Since graduating university, I have gone through quite a few jobs. Some professional, some not that professional. There have been several occasions where I have quit without having anything lined up. I really don’t want to go through that again this time with a mortgage and a wedding coming up (which is not a crazy $30k wedding, more like under 20k, still a lot I know, but well below the average).
Scared, terrified me is afraid I won’t find another job. Or I will get stuck in another one I hate and want to quit again, thus continuing the pattern.
I actually applied for grad school last year for admission this year. I’m not sure I want to go that route anymore. Argh. I just wasted ~ $230 in application fees.
I know almost everyone goes through it and we are constantly trying to chase that dream job. To be honest, I never knew what it meant to actually like, I mean really like a job, til I became a fitness class instructor. I look forward to teaching my classes. It is one of my few saving graces. Of course, this blog is another one of them.
I try to stay positive and think all my networking with different people within the organization, and joining committees will change something. I’ve been told something will happen, but it’s only a matter of when.
I can only be so positive and patient for that long. Even then, will this next potential job make me happy? Maybe only for a short period of time. What if I get bored with it and need something else?
The days are long and dragging. As soon as I arrive, I look at the clock and wish it was time to go home. The only day where I somewhat feel better is on Friday because I know I won’t have to be at work for two whole days. I am salivating at the idea of change right now. Trying to grasp at something that doesn’t seem within my reach.
Some people could tell me it’s just a job and that I shouldn’t let it get to me. I know I have other things going well in my life and I know I shouldn’t let a job define me, but I can’t help it. When you see other people who are happy/satisfied doing what they do and they have been able to create opportunities for themselves, it freaks me out and makes me jealous.
I think to myself, what am I doing wrong? I may be complaining, but at least I’m trying at the same time.
I’m having a hard time keeping a smile at work and people have started to notice. It’s hard to fake it when you’re miserable inside. A few people at work know about my situation, but all they can offer is sympathy. Sympathy is nice and I appreciate it, but it won’t help me find what I’m looking for.
- OH SH*T
- I have wasted so much time over the past four years!!!
- I’ve barely learned anything or developed any new skills.
- My experience doesn’t seem like it’s transferable to another related job.
- OH SH*T again
I DON’T KNOW.
All I know is that I would like a job that is satisfying. That challenges me. That doesn’t restrict me. By the way, Michelle from the Shop My Closet Project wrote a great post called the Myth of Job Satisfaction : Are We Over Thinking Work?
I’m tired of feeling any one or all of the following at any given point in time:
I’m tired of crying several times a week after work. I almost feel like crying as I write this post because it is hard at first, but then it all comes rushing down like a waterfall.
C is for Coding?!?!
I just want something to work. I just want to do something I like or sort of like.
Yes, I find it interesting. I have been dabbling in Codecademy to teach myself HTML and CSS. I am actually taking a 6 week part-time course to learn more about those two languages and a few other coding languages.
C is for CRAZY
Am I crazy for wanting a career change when I’m not even sure I’ll be able to find a job or even if I’ll be decent at it? The company I am taking the course with offers an intensive 8 week web development boot camp which is designed to turn you into a developer, but that would be two months off of work. Two months of NOT working . Two months of a lot of computer staring (12 hr days, mon-fri). This boot camp costs several thousands of dollars. Not as expensive as a post-secondary education, but expensive enough. I would have to take a leave of absence from my current job in order to do so.
Yes, I would be losing the potential to make money and would have to spend money. However, since training to become a fitness instructor, this may be the only other thing I’ve ever wanted to get formal training for thus far.
Want. What do I want to do ?
If I had more time, aside from blogging, I would want to spend more time coding (I think).
C is for Continue
So I will keep on going to work and making money. I will also continue with this course and hope I get something out of it. I will ask them more about the boot camp and a career as a developer, which I would never even thought possible.
How ironic is that my university sweetheart was a computer science major and I never understood his fascination with coding at the time?
I do now. And I’m sorry for ever thinking it was lame to spend hours compiling code.
C is for Cookie
I could use one right about now.
Let’s go back to our childhood when we didn’t have to worry about our careers and only cookies with this way back playback from Sesame street.